does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Less talking, more tequila
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
