just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
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