Can i not drive my cunt home
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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