I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Randomize
