Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Randomize
