I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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