that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
