I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
All the doctor said was why
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
