So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
