I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I looked at my own cervix.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
