I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Randomize
