i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
