There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
