If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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