What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Randomize
