Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
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