So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
