I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
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