arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
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