hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
