Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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