Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize