Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
