Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
