mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
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