a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Randomize
