I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Randomize
