I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
