So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
