She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Randomize
