No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
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