I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Randomize
