I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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