The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Randomize