i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Oh god it's open bar.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
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