This dress was meant to end up on your floor
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize