she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
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