I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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