I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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