I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
I have surprise drugs for everyone
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Randomize
