I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
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