Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
