He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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