I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
