I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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