hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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