just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Randomize
