Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Randomize
