i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
