just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
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