I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
