non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
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