Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
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