I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
