i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
